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Disciplining as a Team
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An article from
BabyZone.com
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TEXT SIZE:
 
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By Diane Sonntag
"I told Tommy that he couldn't play outside this afternoon because he didn't come in when I asked him to yesterday," Mom instructed Dad on her way out the door. "Please make sure he stays inside." Dad nodded and waved goodbye. But an hour later, when Mom returned home, Tommy was playing in the sandbox in the backyard. She questioned her husband about it. "He kept whining, and he promised that he'd be good, so I let him go outside," Dad explained. "I don't want to be too strict."
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Several things have gone wrong in this situation, and the consequences are obvious. Mom is going to be frustrated with Dad for contradicting something she has said, and Tommy has learned that if Mommy says no, go ask Daddy. The parents' discipline is inconsistent, and their son has learned to manipulate them to get what he wants.
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"Consistency is the foundation of good discipline," says Dr. Sal Severe, PhD, author of How to Behave so Your Children Will Too. "Consistency between parents may be the single most important factor in successful discipline."
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Yikes! In many families, one parent plays "the heavy," doing all or most of the discipline, while the other parent remains the "good guy." Other parents disagree on how the children should be disciplined, causing friction between the adults and confusion in the children.
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Dr. Severe says both situations are problematic. "Each parent needs to be in charge when they are alone with the kids," he advises. "Kids will manipulate a situation if they can, if they see that one parent is too easy on them." In other words, don't say, "Just wait until your father (or mother) gets home." Handle minor problems on your own as they happen.
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But what do you do when the whole family is together? Who is "in charge" then? Ideally, both parents are. "For most parents, their basic goals for their children are the same, but how they get there is the difference," says Dr. Severe. "The sooner you can agree on discipline techniques, the better."
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But since you and your spouse were raised in different homes by different parents, your ideas of the best way to discipline may vary greatly. Dr. Severe advises reading parenting books and magazines or taking a parenting class together. Talk with other parents and see what the "experts" have to say.
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Some partners may be more ready to learn about positive discipline techniques than others. If your spouse is hesitant about taking a parenting class, simply go yourself and then discuss what you learned with him or her when you get home. Dr. Severe also suggests photocopying helpful pages from books or magazines and leaving them where your spouse will see them. These pages can serve as "a little gentle encouragement to try new ideas," says Dr. Severe.
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The most important thing is to communicate openly. Talk about your own childhood and what you'd like to do differently with your children. "Agree on the house rules and expectations," says Dr. Severe. "If you disagree on a particular rule, that's fine, but disagree behind closed doors." Always present a united front to your children. If you don't, they will see your disagreement as an area of weakness and they will take advantage of that.
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One issue divides parents more than any other: spanking. Some people say they were spanked as children and they turned out all right, so it is acceptable to use spanking as a primary means of discipline. Other parents use spanking as a last resort. Still others feel that spanking children is not only ineffective, but just plain wrong. Whatever your feelings on this touchy subject, it is vital that you and your spouse agree one way or the other—there is very little room for compromise.
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But what if you just can't agree? If you are firmly in the "no spanking" camp, and your spouse feels differently, what can you do? "You do the best you can," says Dr. Severe. "Try to be a good example for your spouse. Show him or her that you can raise kids who make good choices without spanking them."
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You also need to explain to your children why one parent uses spanking and the other one doesn't. "You can say, 'Daddy might spank you, but I don't think I need to do that,'" says Dr. Severe. Avoid criticizing your spouse's choice in front of your kids. Children need to know that both parents deserve respect, regardless of how they discipline.
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Consistent discipline is one of the most challenging aspects of parenting, and agreeing with another adult on how to handle each situation can be even more daunting. Teamwork and compromise are vital parts of every marriage, as well as every parenting team. When parents agree on discipline techniques and implement them consistently, everyone benefits. Children know what is expected of them, they make better choices, and everyone enjoys a more positive family climate.
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| About the Author |
| Diane Sonntag is an elementary school teacher and freelance writer. She has written for a variety of print and online publications. She lives in Indianapolis with her husband and two young children.
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