Patricia Robertson doesn’t even want to discuss teaching toddlers not to touch unless she can also talk about childproofing. “If there is something your toddler shouldn’t touch,” stresses the professor of early childhood education at Seneca College in Toronto, “don’t put it within reach or sight of the toddler. That’s just a tease.”

It doesn’t seem that way from an adult point of view. “Don’t touch Mommy’s orchids” seems to be a simple sentence, even for someone with a beginner’s grasp of language. But it isn’t to a toddler.

“We can’t be telling toddlers things the way we tell it to older kids: ‘I’m going to tell you what you can/cannot do, and you understand it and won’t do it again,’” explains Robertson. “They’re just not developmentally there yet.”

Cognitively, toddlers may not be able to completely understand our “simple” messages. To them, “you can touch this and this and this, but not this and this” is a complicated concept to grasp. And even if they do understand, their memory is not developed enough that they will remember it five minutes later, let alone the next day.

In any case, understanding is only the tip of the iceberg. Couple that with a toddler’s inborn need to learn through exploration, her inability to understand what is dangerous and her lack of impulse control, and you have a child who cannot be relied upon to obey instructions.

So when parents don’t childproof their home, says Robertson, the result is that they spend all day policing the child (“Don’t do that, I told you not to touch, get that out of your mouth, no, no, no!”), which is exhausting and patience draining. And your child is subjected to a constant stream of negative messages, instead of the positive ones that will nurture his development. “It’s not a healthy learning environment for either the parent or the child,” concludes Robertson. “You want to enjoy the time spent with your child and discover the world along with him.”

So first things first: Adapt your environment so that, as much as possible, your child’s home is safe for her to explore. “I wouldn’t even bother trying to teach a toddler not to pull a cord or tablecloth or play with fine china,” says Robertson. “As a parent, it’s my role to keep that out of reach.”

That frees you up to concentrate on the few things you can’t restrict access to. And yes, you can certainly start to teach your toddler about the dangers of the house, says Robertson, “as long as you don’t think that if your child is taught a lesson once, then it’s a lesson learned forever. You have to re-teach the lesson over and over again.” How? We got a lot of tips, from Robertson and from toddler-savvy parents:

Keep it short. Toddlers may know a lot of words, but the intricacies of stringing them together are another matter. At this age, a few simple words have more impact than a long explanation.

Ease up on “no.” When you hear the same word all day long, it loses impact. Plus for some toddlers, the word “no” is equivalent to waving a red flag at a bull — it turns the forbidden into the very thing they want most. “I don’t think they understand the danger,” says Sandy Fernandes, mom to two-year-old Kyle. “All they know is that Mommy is saying NO. And boy, do they hate that word!” Of course you can’t completely eliminate no. But when possible, try this instead:

Use key words. “My favourite word is dangerous,” says Robertson, “and say it in a dangerous way. I get the toddler’s attention, we’re looking eye to eye, and I have a look on my face that’s not angry, but says, ‘I want you to pay attention.’ Don’t smile, though. Then I say, ‘Dangerous!’” Danger, hot, sharp and ouch are other words parents have used. It takes awhile, but eventually these words signal to your child that you are not arbitrarily thwarting her will, but keeping her safe.

Act it out. But what, exactly, is hot? Lots of parents turn into pantomime artists when it comes to explaining danger. Cheri Bojcic taught her 17-month-old, Elana, this way: “When she would go to touch the stove, I would tell her it was hot, I would pretend to touch it, and then pull my hand back really fast and say, ‘Ow!’ Once she touched the heater in the bathroom and said, ‘Ow,’ and I told her it was hot. I then did the same thing with the heater as I did with the stove. She seems to know hot really well now.” Jo Henninger even allowed her toddler, Ella, to very briefly touch the bottom of her coffee mug, which was hot but not enough to burn. “At this moment I would explain, ‘This mug is hot, ouch!’ It doesn’t substitute for constant supervision,” she says, “but it helps the child to form an idea about what we mean when we say ‘hot.’”

Distract/remove. Hot, dangerous, breakable or not, some attractions are too great to resist. Ann Hardwick’s three kids have all been drawn as toddlers to the electric start on her gas stove. “They were fascinated by the clicking sound it makes when you turn the knob,” she explains. Hardwick told them the stove was “hot” and acted out how it hurts, but what she really needed was to get them interested in something else. A bunch of magnets at toddler height on the fridge sometimes did the trick. “I would tell them that this is a safe game, it won’t hurt them.” Most toddlers are not going to voluntarily tear themselves away from their current obsession and find something else to do. You need to get creative and catch their interest.

Please don’t slap. With the best teaching techniques and childproofing in the world, a healthy toddler will still find many unsuitable things to get into, require fairly constant parental vigilance and cause an occasional minor disaster. And as Selena Amati, mom to 28-month-old Sophina, says, “It’s very frustrating when you’re used to dealing with adults who understand a request and respect your wishes. Toddlers are different creatures altogether.”

When patience frays, some parents are tempted to slap those busy little hands. Others believe the negative association (stove equals pain) will shortcut the teaching process. But hitting is not a humane or effective way to teach, says Robertson. Think about it: The pain is not coming from the stove, but from the parent. What the toddler learns, says Robertson, “is to fear the parent.” Bear in mind that toddlers learn by mimicking us. You may succeed in frightening your child out of touching the stove, only to find you have a problem with her smacking the new baby!

Amati knows this is a relatively short phase. “In the end, all I can do is stay calm, remain consistent with the boundaries and try to distract her quickly when something gets her attention that should not. That and keep plenty of cleaning supplies in the house.”