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Is Your Toddler in Control? What You Can Do When Tots Take Charge
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An article from
BabyZone.com
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TEXT SIZE:
 
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By Nicole Palacios BSc, ACE
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Have you ever wondered if your child was trying to pit you against your spouse or having a tantrum to see how you would react? Dr. Ari Brown, MD, pediatrician and author of Baby 411 and Toddler 411, and her co-author Denise Fields have come up with some great code names for toddlers, and they all have to do with the ways that your little ones try to exert their power. See if you recognize any of these:
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Stormin' Normin: This toddler has a tantrum and watches her parents cave in. This is very powerful in public places.
The Negotiator: This clever toddler tries to make one-sided deals with adults.
The A Factor: This youngster will annoy Mom or Dad until he gets his way.
The Guilt Card: This toddler uses a technique that works especially well with single or working moms: "Why can't I have such and such? You're such a bad parent!"
The Sting: This little one sets up one parent to unknowingly challenge the other.
Once you realize that you've lost control and can identify the manipulation tactic being used, Dr. Brown has some advice for how to regain your parental authority.
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Tactic One: Control the Storm
When your toddler has a tantrum in public you may want to run and hide. Dr. Brown says that the best bet is to stop the tantrum before it starts. To do that, parents need to be proactive and have realistic expectations of what a child can handle. Let your toddler know ahead of time what errands need to be done. If you have more on your to-do list, but your toddler is getting hungry or tired, don't push it. If your child cannot handle too much at once, she will show that both to you and everyone at the shopping center.
You can also be proactive by bringing a bag of tricks to keep your toddler occupied while you run errands. Allison Schut, mother to 19-month-old Nathon, makes sure that she has crackers and a juice box handy to temper any outbursts. It's hard to whine with a mouthful! Small books and toys also keep toddlers occupied.
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Toddlers like control, and you can empower them by letting them choose certain things at the store. Dr. Brown suggests discussing those things up front before your errand. "Then they know that these are the things that they're going to be in control of for the day," she says.
Gerry Gordon recalls an incident with her daughter at the grocery store: "I was buying potatoes and my two-year-old wanted to hold them. They were heavy, and I said no. She got very fussy and started to scream. I just ignored the fact that my toddler was causing a disturbance and walked out of the store. I later realized she just wanted to help Mommy. My advice: pack a bag small enough so they can help too. They love to help and be a part of whatever Mommy or Daddy is doing."
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Yet what if the tantrum has already started? Dr. Brown says, "Tantrums and whining are not forms of communication, and if you respond to them, they become forms of communication—so you do not respond to them. Matter-of-factly say 'I see you're having a tantrum. That's not OK; let me know when you're done.' And you walk away."
Dr. Brown explains that a toddler having a tantrum and whining is seeking attention negatively, and if you respond with yelling, the toddler wins.
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Tactic Two: Negate Negotiation
Is your toddler constantly trying to make deals with you that only benefit him? Turn the tables! Devise your own deals that include acceptable choices. For example, Dr. Brown says, "We need to get going today, you can choose: do you want to put your shoes on first or your hat on first? You can pick which one you want to do first." This way your toddler feels he is still in control and is getting a deal—and so are you!
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Tactic Three: Avert Annoyances
Are you getting so annoyed that you forget what behavior you were trying to prevent in the first place? The annoying child can pester you to the point where you don't care what she does, as long as she stops bugging you.
In her book Toddler 411, Dr. Brown recommends these commandments of toddler discipline:
Don't back down to avoid conflict. Giving in just because your child is annoying you is not going to change the behavior in the long run. Nip this one in the bud.
Be consistent. If you have the same set of rules and consequences in play every time your child has annoying behavior, it may soon come to a stop.
Don't yell, but change your voice. Even though your child is driving you up the wall, maintain control and talk in a voice that commands attention for the right reasons.
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Tactic Four: Give up the Guilt
Is your little one making you feel like a monster because you're spending too much time at work and not enough time with her? The guilt card is an ace to any clever toddler.
"Take a step back. You kind of have to rationalize it in your own mind, particularly if you're a working mom," says Dr. Brown. "If you reflect about how you interact with your child when you are around, you are less susceptible to the guilt card."
Claire Robinson, a mother of two, says she never lets the guilt card enter the game at her house. "Give your kids dedicated time, give your spouse dedicated time, and give yourself dedicated time. Set limits and stick to them; don't worry about what anyone says."
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Tactic Five: Communicate with Your Spouse
Ever think you and your partner are being played for suckers by your toddler? Does he run to ask Daddy permission to do something after you've already said no?
"It's probably a good idea never to promise a toddler anything because then once you've promised, you've set yourself up," says Dr. Brown. "You can say maybe and leave it open ended—otherwise you're the party pooper." You're also less likely to step on your spouse's toes if you don't make promises without checking in with him or her first.
Our toddlers are creative and clever; they don't miss a beat. Yet with the knowledge of these manipulation techniques that children use, you can learn to spot the tactics and regain control over your toddler.
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| About the Author |
| Nicole Palacios BSc, ACE, has been an integral part of the fitness industry for the past 13 years, working as a group fitness instructor and personal trainer. Her passions include her two girls, fitness writing, weight training, and helping her clients pursue their fitness dreams. Check out her website at www.perfectfit.ws.
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