INTERVIEW GUEST: Joyce Maguire Pavao, Founder of Center for Family Connections in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and author of a book called The Family of Adoption.
Program Host, Bobbi Conner:
Q. Joyce, after the decision has been made to adopt a child, and parents are in the waiting mode, is there anything that parents-to-be can do, to prepare for their new child?
Joyce Maguire Pavao
A. Anyone who's awaiting a child, whether it's by birth or by adoption, is going through a lot of soul searching, with emotional ups and downs, excitement and worry. That's very, very normal. I know that for adoptive parents, they've already done a lot of research to get to the point of being in line for an adoption, and so they have often had to do a lot of reading, a lot of looking into things, educating themselves. It's also not a bad idea to talk to a consultant or find a therapist who's adoption-competent, particularly if you have fears and hopes and you want to check things out, or understand them a little bit better.
Q. Once a family has adopted a child, what can parents do to create a strong emotional connection to their child?
A. Well, I think one of the things is understanding the past history of the child. and support for the new parents of that child. If we're talking about an infant, sometimes people think, Oh well, you know, the parents were there at the birth. There's nothing that could have gone wrong, or that the attachment is automatic since they were right there. But, you know, the stress that an infant experiences pre-birth, in utero, has an impact on them. We're learning more and more about the development of the brain and about the effects of the brain in trauma, so I think it's very important for parents to have a lot of supports to understand. Also, you know, when you wait a long time for this baby, and this baby isn't automatically snuggly and loving towards you, it can be very upsetting. If this baby is crying a lot, if it's not able to self-regulate, it's having a hard time because they're in transition or because of the trauma, it can be very upsetting for a new parent. I think we need to do more to prepare parents for the fact that this will shift; this will change.
Q. It sounds like, you're saying that in an adoptive family, if there is a baby, for example, that's a little bit fussy, those parents might take that personally.
A. Yes, yes. Well, any parent, I don't think that's only in adoption. I think it makes a parent feel very incompetent if they can't soothe their child. It makes them feel very frustrated, and it makes them worried that, why can't they of all people soothe this child? So I think that's true for any parent, but I think the ante is upped a little bit in adoptive parents because their fantasy is: If I were the birth parent, I would be able to soothe this child, which is not at all necessarily true. This is a child who's obviously going through some kind of process, and is having a very hard time. This will smooth out.
Q. How important is it for adoptive parents to have support from other families, other parents in particular who have adopted children?
A. It's extremely important, and there are wonderful adoptive parents support groups out there. I just think, anything that makes you feel different when you get in a group of people who are alike; it just sort of normalizes your experience. In that group of adoptive parents, you may have people who are having an easier time than you, and you may have people that are having a much harder time than you, and it sort of puts you in perspective that this is what happens, and there are versions of it, and I'm in this version.
Q. And how can families find a support network?
A. There are lots of very good places to find them. The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse is part of the Department of Health and Human Services, but that's a fabulous website with lots of information about all kinds of things—recent research, access to various groups and information. That website is: http://naic.acf.hhs.gov/ I think that's a very reputable and good resource. Also, North American Council on Adoptable Children has a website: www.nacac.org. That is a group that is for adoptive parents. They have an annual conference every year that's hugely attended. They have very good resources and they have a very good website.
Q. So some of these national groups will help lead local parents to other adoptive families in their area?
A. Yes, yes. Because they act as sort of an umbrella group in a lot of the small grassroots organizations around the country that are adoptive parent groups sort of, you know, come under their umbrella; they give them scholarships to go to the big conferences to learn more about how to provide services for their people in their area. So I think those are good overarching groups to go to.
Q. Can you talk to us a bit about the one worry that adoptive parents talk about or worry about, and that is: What do I tell my child and when do I tell my child, about the adoption?
A. Well, I think it depends upon what the story is and how, developmentally, how old the child is. I believe, totally, and many people who I know in the field believe, that children should know as early as possible from the people who they trust the most, which is their parents. So if this is an infant adoption, I actually encourage the parents to tell child when they're an infant. Now obviously, the child is not taking this in and understanding it, but the parents are becoming familiar with saying the words. I think it's very hard to tell a child they're adopted because part of that, part of telling them they're adopted is telling them they weren't kept in their first family. I think that it brings up a lot of concerns for parents about how to do this and what the impact will be. And so basically, I think early on, parents should do it simply, very simply.
Q. And how do you say that simply?
A. Well, you say, you know, "Families are made in different ways. And sometimes people who give birth to parents can't be their parents, but they love them. And sometimes people can't give birth to babies, but they want to be parents. And so, you grew in another mommy's tummy, but you grew in our heart, and we're your parents forever and ever, and Shirley's your birth mother."
Q. And this is something that probably needs to be said over and over again?
A. Yeah, oh absolutely. And then at different developmental stages, kids have different questions about it. And keeping the conversation open is really important because you want kids to not, think things in their head that aren't accurate. And, you want to be able to have them come to you with any concerns or questions along the way. I think it's a very hard thing for parents to figure out the line of how to not talk too much but how to talk enough about adoption.
Q. And what is it that children really want to know, if you can put that in words, about their biological parents?
A. I think they want to know everything. They want to know, what her name is, what his name is, what did they look like. I think over time, kids have lots of thoughts and concerns, and they're trying to figure out who they are. They want to know if their favorite second grade teacher is their birth mother. And so it's very helpful if they find out their birth mother's name is Patricia because they know their teacher's name is Ellen. Their fantasies— you know, I think that it gives them more of a sense of reality. The parents need to be comfortable with whatever they're going to be offering to the children in terms of this kind of information. So I think some help for the parents to figure this out is often very good for them.
This interview was excerpted from The Parent's Journal Public Radio Program.
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