EXPERT GUEST: Ann Pleshette Murphy, former editor in chief for Parents magazine, she is currently the parenting contributor for ABC TV's Good Morning America and author of The 7 Stages of Motherhood: Loving Your Life Without Losing Your Mind.
Program Host, Bobbi Conner:
Q. It's a busy time for parents who have a toddler in the family. Just the pure energy of keeping up with the toddler, and with his activities, making sure he's safe, is a huge responsibility.
Annie Murphy
A. Exactly, and that of course, goes hand-in-hand with encouraging his independence. A lot of parents are constantly saying "no," and a big part of that can be avoided by just getting down at their level, crawling through your house, seeing what all of the temptations are, and getting rid of any of the dangerous ones. You absolutely need to create an environment in which toddlers are free to explore so you're not constantly telling them no, because that's not good for them and it weakens your ability to use "no" when you need to.
Q. Toddlers want to do so much for themselves. How can we help the child who finds himself getting overwhelmed because he can't use his little hands to do all of these things that he has in mind to do?
A. Toddlers have a growing, but still limited vocabulary to express themselves with, and a lot of experts will tell you to help them label their emotions so they can use their words, but they're still really too little to do that. And their brains are developing in such a way that their impulses are far outstripping the parts of their brain that would help them control those impulses. One of the most important things you can do is to take a step back and really figure out what kind of a kid you have, what your child's strengths are, and what he or she has trouble with? Some kids are very easily frustrated, and some actually can really stick with something and show enormous tenacity and perseverance, even at that young age.
Q. It's hard for a parent to know when to hang back and let her child do for himself, when to nudge a little bit, when to jump right in and do things for the child. Any thoughts about what sorts of activities and tasks are appropriate for a toddler to try and tackle on her own?
A. Well, I failed at this, because I was a helicopter mom; I would hover in the wings, and the minute my daughter experienced frustration I would swoop in. She had a really hard time playing on her own, and I realize now that I didn't foster enough independence. And a really wise psychologist told me at one point, "If she gets stuck or she's doing something, the most important thing is to get down on her level and really encourage her to work it out; you're a coach; you really shouldn't be swooping in and doing for her." The look on a toddler's face when you let them work it out and do it themselves is so amazing, and it's so different than when you do it for them.
Q. Annie, let's talk a little bit about social development during the toddler years. It's an interesting angle when you put a group of two or three toddlers together. They may not necessarily play together, but they're interested in what the other guy is doing. Any tips for parents who like to put playgroups together, like to get together with other moms and other toddlers?
A. At that stage, between eighteen months and three years old, they're easily frustrated, so if somebody takes something away from me, I'm not going to like that; and they will get angry and frustrated and even overexcited. Sometimes this is when kids will hit and push and bite one another. It's very upsetting because we see it as this kind of out-of-control animal behavior, but it's not; it's really just your child saying I need some help here.
This is an age where you've really got to watch for rising tension, potential conflict, and step in before things get out of control. It's really much more effective than once somebody has pushed the other kid down into the sandbox or hitting Joey, that you then go, "No, that's bad!" And, you know, that's much less effective than keeping an eye on them and separating them before it gets out of control.
Q. Any tips, for parents (with a toddler in the family), on how the parent can keep her energy charged up so that she doesn't feel overwhelmed?
A. You can't be an effective parent if you don't take care of yourself, and so you have to really give yourself a chance to figure out how to complete the sentence: If I had more time, I would ___________, and then schedule whatever fills that blank. And the last thing I would say is that it's not a either-or decision. It's not either I'm a great, devoted mom or I'm taking care of myself. I think that they're intimately linked, and taking care of yourself particularly during years that are very challenging and very exhausting is critical.
This interview was excerpted from The Parent's Journal Public Radio Program.
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